there and back again.

4 years ago, i was working as a systems administrator for a mobile content provider. it was probably the first time i knew what the term 'burnout' really means. i blogged about my frustrations with the job every single day. here is an example:

anywhere but here.
July 11, 2005

I rode a tourist bus to work (huge bus, working a/c, province destination). The lady next to me told the conductor that she's going to San Pedro, Laguna. 98% of me wanted to say the same thing. I just can't bring myself to work today. I wanted to escape, go somewhere quiet where no one would find me. I wanted to see mountains, feel the wind in my hair and witness a breathtaking sunset....

Two words: REALITY BITES

As I dragged my body towards the bus door, I can't help but curse the world (and wishing that the lady who sat next to me to choke on her peanuts). I'm broke, hungry, alone and sick. Plus I forgot to bring my umbrella. I'm beginning to hear the Twilight Zone theme song in my head.

I chose to wear my black shirt today in lieu of a silent protest over my disapproved request for a bigger monitor. My boss apparently thinks that the "no lunch" policy and "work til you choke off blood" are not enough to torture his employees, he also managed a lame defense over why we don't deserve proper equipment either. Its infuriating.

Tonight, I'm meeting my best bud for coffee. Im thinking of turning it into a booze session instead. I want to drown my thoughts so I can clear my head and plan the best way to annihilate my prick of a boss.

I would get drunk and leave all my shallow issues for tomorrow...

...or when I wake up

whichever comes first.

4 months later, i left that company for good. i was getting really sick because of the working hours and the pay wasn't getting any better. also, i was pretty much turned off by how the I.T. industry works and i wanted a life that was less depressing than staring at a CRT monitor everyday for more than 12 hours. i figured, i can do that in a call center with a much higher salary and lesser stress.

a lot has happened between now and then. i thought that that part of my life is over. "never again!" i told myself. so how the fuck did i end up in this shit all over again?

for the past 6 months or so, i've been contemplating what my next steps will be. i know that the burnout feeling has resurfaced. but i want to do things differently now, i want to take my time in making decisions. listen to what others have to say. pray ever so hard for guidance. never just look for the easiest way out.

the answer though is getting plainer and plainer and more obvious everyday.

should i ignore it?

or should i listen?