why so serious?
before anything else, can i just share? my toenails are the most disgusting part of my body right now. practically screaming for a pedicure. lakas lang ng loob ko nag flip flops ako papuntang opisina ngayon. but yeah, gross.
half zombie, half human today. my mind feels numb to my surroundings. good thing my "other" self seems active. years and years of practice finally paid off.
ok i better explain.
when i was really young, i had the lowest possible self-esteem. i was the middle child, so you can just imagine how that goes. i had a perfect younger sister whom everybody adored. i was just someone who simply existed for the sole purpose of making others feel good about themselves. as a result, i grew up an awkward child. i was always so lonely. nobody wanted to talk to me because i was weird and ugly. majorly ugly. no kidding. i always wished death upon me. of course, THAT didnt happen. so i resorted to other ways of escaping from the reality of my pathetic existence. i discovered books and i hid behind them as often as i could, wishing the stories i read would come to life and rescue me. of course, THAT didnt happen either. slowly, i realized that this is my fate and i have to find ways on how to survive. as time went by, i trained myself to adapt. i began to observe people from afar....consciously and subconsciously. studying their personality, mannerisms, and whatnot. from there, i would build a personality suited for the person or group of persons i'm with. first, it was only because i had no other choice. but then it became second nature. by the time i was able to come out of my shell, i never was able to get rid of this habit. i even learned how to compartmentalize my own personality.
hence the half zombie/half human and the "other" self that is seemingly bubbly and full of life.
how do i do it? i don't know either. sometimes i feel i have a hundred personalities tucked in my system. if this can be illustrated, it would probably resemble something so grotesque...so unnatural. maybe that's why im so unstable sometimes. although whatever i show now is such a small fraction of what it used to be (college life changed things for me), but there are moments when i get scared it might come out in full force...given the right trigger.
i don't even know why i'm saying this. it might be the numbness i'm feeling...or the bullshit i'm hearing now (i'm in a meeting) or my ever so demented brain leaking of useless information to prevent itself from exploding.
tsk.
i need to get laid. haha.
half zombie, half human today. my mind feels numb to my surroundings. good thing my "other" self seems active. years and years of practice finally paid off.
ok i better explain.
when i was really young, i had the lowest possible self-esteem. i was the middle child, so you can just imagine how that goes. i had a perfect younger sister whom everybody adored. i was just someone who simply existed for the sole purpose of making others feel good about themselves. as a result, i grew up an awkward child. i was always so lonely. nobody wanted to talk to me because i was weird and ugly. majorly ugly. no kidding. i always wished death upon me. of course, THAT didnt happen. so i resorted to other ways of escaping from the reality of my pathetic existence. i discovered books and i hid behind them as often as i could, wishing the stories i read would come to life and rescue me. of course, THAT didnt happen either. slowly, i realized that this is my fate and i have to find ways on how to survive. as time went by, i trained myself to adapt. i began to observe people from afar....consciously and subconsciously. studying their personality, mannerisms, and whatnot. from there, i would build a personality suited for the person or group of persons i'm with. first, it was only because i had no other choice. but then it became second nature. by the time i was able to come out of my shell, i never was able to get rid of this habit. i even learned how to compartmentalize my own personality.
hence the half zombie/half human and the "other" self that is seemingly bubbly and full of life.
how do i do it? i don't know either. sometimes i feel i have a hundred personalities tucked in my system. if this can be illustrated, it would probably resemble something so grotesque...so unnatural. maybe that's why im so unstable sometimes. although whatever i show now is such a small fraction of what it used to be (college life changed things for me), but there are moments when i get scared it might come out in full force...given the right trigger.
i don't even know why i'm saying this. it might be the numbness i'm feeling...or the bullshit i'm hearing now (i'm in a meeting) or my ever so demented brain leaking of useless information to prevent itself from exploding.
tsk.
i need to get laid. haha.
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